I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.