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Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.