me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.