M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what