*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.