Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
(more comics:
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.