Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.