Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
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My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.