My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you