Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
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Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.