If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
You Might Also Like
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second