Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”