wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further