“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
😂😂😂
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes