My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see