Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar