My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with