girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
You Might Also Like
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Happy Friday
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
North and South