The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.