‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
You Might Also Like
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.