Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.