*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
You Might Also Like
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.