Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
You Might Also Like
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey