ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat