*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
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Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.