The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.