me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.