According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.