The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Every house has this drawer
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free