You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
#dalle2