trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
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mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter