Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You Might Also Like
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
ready to be harvested
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders