When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
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succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.