I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m having an out of money experience.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale