babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
*watches the world burn*
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE