My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.