me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I have two kinds of followers
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“What movie?” 🤔
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”