Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]