someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .