if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.