I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Harsh but fair
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream