doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*