listen closely
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Great acting.. 😂
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.