If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal