they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.