If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
You Might Also Like
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother