Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Kentucky names the shit out of places
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Got ya covered
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Why is everyone getting married at me
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.