probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
You Might Also Like
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
whatcha thinkin bout
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
road rage
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I put the h in mysterious.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).