When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
You Might Also Like
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
When news reporters do sports stories
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.