I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
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It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Coffee for people with no kids
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Friday night party time 🥳
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.